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Self Esteem And Anger

Self esteem causing anger issues?

Let’s do a little exploration here to see what the deal is.

Number one, feelings of constant anger can definitely be a sign of low self esteem.  You’re unhappy with your lot in life so you blame it on anything and everything, including the people you love, instead of tackling the problem, your self image, head on.  You turn those feelings inside and VOILA… ANGER.  

Sometimes you can’t even see the problem because it has many ways to hide itself in all the little corners of your mind.  So you stay silent, shooting out a little snippet of anger at the most inopportune times as well as putting the blame on the least deserving target of all that anger, the people around you.

Now is not the time to get upset.  Now is the time to study the issue, face it head on and be all the more happier on the other side of the obstacle.  Lets get started.

“Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.” – Phil McGraw.

Now, let me jump on my soapox.

I did read another article a few days ago that also says anger can come from high self esteem more so than low self esteem.  This came from a psychologist’s post, and he is more than welcome to have his opinion as much as he wants, I’m definitely no doctor or have any sort of a degree in this, just life experiences.  But his opinion goes against the research.

My opinion is that if you have good self esteem, you’re not going to be affected by what someone else says, it’s inside you and if you are comfortable with who you are, and believe in who you are, you aren’t going to let an outside stimulus cause you all that much anger.  We’re not talking about that natural response of anger when called on to potect a child or a family member.  

We’re talking a day in and day out low anger level that boils over occasionally, denoting there are some issues that need to be worked out.  That’s my opinion.

My observation is that along with my own low self esteem, I had a lot of anger issues.  And yes that caused a few altercations that, fortunately, no one was hurt in.

If this is a high self esteem issue, then there are a LOT of other people walking around with really high self esteem in not so high status positions, because there are a LOT of people out there with anger issues.  He has his theory, but it’s not only unproven but contrary to observation.

Now, with that in mind I’ll give him the fact that some people with supposedly high self esteem are angry, but those people actually have low self esteem and need to cut down other people in order to boost their own self esteem.  Everyone knows them.  Some people work for them.  (Did I just say that out loud?)

They are the ones who are up on a pedestal, feel they shouldn’t be there because they aren’t worth this level of success, and will strike at anyone who might reveal their insecurities.  Sometimes that’s why they are ON that pedestal, they need to control other people in order to make themselves feel better, which doesn’t do the self esteem any good anyway.  This has to do with low self esteem, not high self esteem.  So much for that little aside, I’ll get off my soapbox.

Why we feel angry.

We’ve already discovered that anger is expected when you have low self esteem issues.  You don’t feel like you are being taken seriously, you don’t feel like anyone cares what your feelings are all about, let alone understand them.  You feel everyone is against you and subsequently, you naturally become angry with everyone, including yourself.

The more you are angered by everything, the more you retreat into yourself, which causes more anger, the self esteem drops, it’s a vicious cycle.  You get the picture.

So, who is vulnerable to these anger issues.

Look around, you see men being abusive to their mates, this anger can come from not having the feelings of being the breadwinner, or not being in control of the relationship, or in general not being in control of hs life.  He could also be fearful that his mate will leave him, revealing to everyone else exactly who he is, and how he feels inside.  Especially to their friends and family.  

This stems somewhat from society placing that particular role onto men more than women, but not supplying the means to accomplish that end, the demand but no supply. (That’s not a justification of these types of actions, just one reason it could be happening.)  He carries around the physical strength, but does not understand that there is also a mental strength that should go along with the physical strength.

He’s strong on the outside, but feels like he’s not worth two cents on the inside.  Once again, vicious cycle, and a self fulfilling prophecy.  He’s mad at her for the all wrong reasons, he shoves her away, or even worse cuts her down and isolates her from the outside world.  Whether he’ll admit it or not, she has to get out of it, so by hook or crook, she leaves.  A tragic situation from both ends, more so for the woman, as she now has the mental scars to deal with.

And what about women.

And on her side of this anger dance, she is not immune to anger issues herself.  Except society frowns upon women being angry, so she has to internalize it.  Society also frowns on women being in control, (less so now than 20 years ago) which makes it even worse on women who don’t find Mr. Right.  

She thought she was going to grow up, marry the man of her dreams, he’d be a big strong strapping guy, he would be able to fend for her and take care of her the rest of her life.  Such a happy ending!  Except that dream doesn’t take into account the other 150 million men in society who aren’t big strapping guys who have great self esteem.

“It’s so important to realize that every time you get upset, it drains your emotional energy. Losing your cool makes you tired. Getting angry a lot messes with your health.” — Joyce Meyer

In fact, there’s probably only 10 of those big strapping guys with good self esteem out there in the whole country.  And crtainly not in her neck of the woods.  Her anger stems from being given a dream in life that wasn’t going to happen, finding a man, having kids and living happily ever after.  Ironically, up until the middle of the 20th Century, not having a mate for women, meant not surviving.

So then the alternative is to go out and take care of herself, except women aren’t supposed to do that either.  No anger, and no taking care of yourself.  Mom even agrees with society, “Did you find a man yet?” “You’re going to die a spinster, I swear!”  “Why are you so angry, you’re angry all the time, you’ll never find a man like that!”  So she goes about her business, quietly taking care of herself, kinda staying in the darker corner of the house, not really worth much.  But the anger is there, underneath, boiling away her self esteem.

How do we get rid of this anger.  

Some of it is bottled up in there for both sexes.  It’s going to have to come out!  It NEEDS to come out.  It will not diffuse itself, it does need to come out.  As you are working on your self esteem, that anger could be holding you back.  Diffusion of anger is the secret.   And there are some creative ways to diffuse that anger that are beneficial.

  • Take a self defense class.  Use that anger in your practice.
  • Take up a Tae Bo class.  Use that anger in your workout.
  • Find a hammer, and a handful of nails, and drive every last one of those nails into a 2×4 piece of wood.  Careful with the fingers, the anger WILL boil over if you smash one.
  • Find a rubber hammer, find a concrete wall, take your anger out on the concrete wall.
  • Start writing a journal and write down every angry thought you have and write how you would take care of the problem if you lived in a perfect wold..
  • Take up jogging, the more anger you have the faster you can jog.

Use your anger to your benefit.

Stop trying to suppress it because suppressing it affects your self esteem.  When you let the anger out in a beneficial way, you give a boost to your self esteem.  And if you find the right avenue to let it out you can boost your self esteem in other ways.

You can learn how to defend yourself, always a great idea for women as well as men.  You can learn how to write, become physically fit, become an expert in all kinds of different. There are ways to let it out without being branded an angry person.  Look for other ways to let it out condstructively.  As you do, guess what, the self esteem goes up along with a decrease in the anger.

It’s practically impossible to look at a penguin and be angry.”  –Joe Moore.

A little aside on writing a journal. 

Go to the store, get yourself a Bic pen and a spiral notebook.  Every night, write down what happened in your day.  Then write down all your thoughts about it.  This is called journaling.  If something made you angry write down why, if something made you happy, write that down and why.

Remember, no one else is going to read this so you can use foul language, you can reveal what you think of someone, you can misspell words all you want, then put it in a secure place that no one is going to find it, under your pillow, under your bed, between the sheets, don’t put it under there with all that money you have stuffed in the sheets.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson

In Conclusion.

Anger and low self esteem often go hand in hand.  Both men and women have anger issues, each one handles it in different ways.  The way a person handles the anger can be beneficial in raising self esteem as well as in channeling the anger into something positive… manifestation.  There are ways to take that anger and use it your advantage.

Start doing the journaling.  Join a gym or find other means in handling the anger.  Try a couple of the other anger releases outlined above and see which ones work for you.  And as always

And read this book.  Click on the book to order!

Leave us a comment.  Are you affected by anger issues and self esteem?

All images courtesy PEXEL.
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8 thoughts on “Self Esteem And Anger

  1. I think that those who have anger issues in conjunction with high self-esteem obviously have other deep-rooted issues that are causing that anger. I would agree with you and say one of the best ways to deal with anger issues, or really any personal issues you may be facing is to WRITE – for your eyes only. It’s amazing how you can really get to know yourself when you take all those bottled up emotions and put them onto paper. 

    1. Ashley, the writing goes back to self talk.  When you’re writing, you’re talking to yourself, you’re letting those thoughts and feelings out into your conscious mind so you can DEAL with them.  The journaling got to be a pal, a trusted friend, I looked forward to it.  I apparently had a lot of issues to get over because I wrote a novel’s worth!  Hehehe  Have a great day!


  2. Being angry all the time is not good for ones health and I can see clearly from reading your article that it links in with self esteem. There are some good tips that you have said about, which would work at releasing that built up anger. I am totally with you, where the physiologists post does not make sense. It is surely having low self esteem that does cause anger and not having high self esteem. 

    1. Eden, I totally agree with you, hence the blurb about the psychologist.   If you have good self esteem, by definition, you feel strongly enough about yourself that you don’t get angry when someone insults you.  Thanks for stopping by!


  3. Hi Carol. Thanks for an informative article on anger issues. I am sure most of us have encountered men AND women who have anger issues at some point in our lives. I know someone who manifests his anger in an interesting way. If he is working on something, could be his computer or a bike, if something goes wrong, he lets go with a blue streak of swear words. I cringe when I am around him even though I know it isn’t directed at me or his family. I once dared to question him once and he said it is healthy and he has excellent blood pressure. He says it is just his way of dealing with things. I have known him a long time and I have never heard anyone say he gets physical so I don’t expect after all this time he will. 

    I do agree with you that sometimes something as simple as going for a run or journaling (which I think is an excellent idea) would go a long way in defusing anger.

    1. Hi Mary Ann, and thank you for your comment!  I have personal experience with explosive anger in my past, and it’s devastating. Not domestic abuse, but anger. Plain and simple. The difficult thing to do is take yourself entirely away from that type of behavior, but instead, I played the peace maker, which forced me into a role that, in the long run, was just not me.  Door mat no more, a decision was made, on my part, which ended that chapter of my life.  Sometimes it’s painful to eliminate an angry person from your life, but learning to deal with it, in my case, was more painful.  I did A LOT of journaling and am a very different person today than I’ve ever been. I’m happy, I’m successful, I’m very loved, and life is amazing!  Take care of you! C

  4. Hi Steve! After reading your article, now it all make sense! I have a friend, who always angry and blames someone else on her problems. Which are not that big of a problems, but she is making like it’s so much worse, then it really is. Now I know she has a low self esteem. How can I help her? If I tell her take a hammer and handful of nails and drive every last one to a pies of wood, she might think I lost my mind lol:))

    1. Alona, that is typical with this type of anger!  Everything seems to be worse than it is and it’s never our own fault.  Even more so, it’s out of our CONTROL!   First she somehow has to realize she has a problem.  Because in order to fix it, you have to admit it.  Once she admits it, she’s on the road to recovery!  You could take the book to her and tell her it’s a great book, she should try it.  f not that, you could get her involved in something that will let the anger out WITH her and then say, wow, I had some anger, and I let it out while working out in out Tae Bo class.  And that’s a tough situation because we all know people close to us in that situation, but it’s hard to get them to see what we see.  They get ANGRY!  LOL  Ultimately, once she is on the road to recovery, a little counseling might help her along, and read read read!  Good luck, let us know how it goes!


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