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Self Esteem And Anger

Self esteem causing anger issues?

Let’s do a little exploration here to see what the deal is.

Number one, feelings of constant anger can definitely be a sign of low self esteem.  You’re unhappy with your lot in life so you blame it on anything and everything, including the people you love, instead of tackling the problem, your self image, head on.  You turn those feelings inside and VOILA… ANGER.  

Sometimes you can’t even see the problem because it has many ways to hide itself in all the little corners of your mind.  So you stay silent, shooting out a little snippet of anger at the most inopportune times as well as putting the blame on the least deserving target of all that anger, the people around you.

Now is not the time to get upset.  Now is the time to study the issue, face it head on and be all the more happier on the other side of the obstacle.  Lets get started.

“Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.” – Phil McGraw.

Now, let me jump on my soapox.

I did read another article a few days ago that also says anger can come from high self esteem more so than low self esteem.  This came from a psychologist’s post, and he is more than welcome to have his opinion as much as he wants, I’m definitely no doctor or have any sort of a degree in this, just life experiences.  But his opinion goes against the research.

My opinion is that if you have good self esteem, you’re not going to be affected by what someone else says, it’s inside you and if you are comfortable with who you are, and believe in who you are, you aren’t going to let an outside stimulus cause you all that much anger.  We’re not talking about that natural response of anger when called on to potect a child or a family member.  

We’re talking a day in and day out low anger level that boils over occasionally, denoting there are some issues that need to be worked out.  That’s my opinion.

My observation is that along with my own low self esteem, I had a lot of anger issues.  And yes that caused a few altercations that, fortunately, no one was hurt in.

If this is a high self esteem issue, then there are a LOT of other people walking around with really high self esteem in not so high status positions, because there are a LOT of people out there with anger issues.  He has his theory, but it’s not only unproven but contrary to observation.

Now, with that in mind I’ll give him the fact that some people with supposedly high self esteem are angry, but those people actually have low self esteem and need to cut down other people in order to boost their own self esteem.  Everyone knows them.  Some people work for them.  (Did I just say that out loud?)

They are the ones who are up on a pedestal, feel they shouldn’t be there because they aren’t worth this level of success, and will strike at anyone who might reveal their insecurities.  Sometimes that’s why they are ON that pedestal, they need to control other people in order to make themselves feel better, which doesn’t do the self esteem any good anyway.  This has to do with low self esteem, not high self esteem.  So much for that little aside, I’ll get off my soapbox.

Why we feel angry.

We’ve already discovered that anger is expected when you have low self esteem issues.  You don’t feel like you are being taken seriously, you don’t feel like anyone cares what your feelings are all about, let alone understand them.  You feel everyone is against you and subsequently, you naturally become angry with everyone, including yourself.

The more you are angered by everything, the more you retreat into yourself, which causes more anger, the self esteem drops, it’s a vicious cycle.  You get the picture.

So, who is vulnerable to these anger issues.

Look around, you see men being abusive to their mates, this anger can come from not having the feelings of being the breadwinner, or not being in control of the relationship, or in general not being in control of hs life.  He could also be fearful that his mate will leave him, revealing to everyone else exactly who he is, and how he feels inside.  Especially to their friends and family.  

This stems somewhat from society placing that particular role onto men more than women, but not supplying the means to accomplish that end, the demand but no supply. (That’s not a justification of these types of actions, just one reason it could be happening.)  He carries around the physical strength, but does not understand that there is also a mental strength that should go along with the physical strength.

He’s strong on the outside, but feels like he’s not worth two cents on the inside.  Once again, vicious cycle, and a self fulfilling prophecy.  He’s mad at her for the all wrong reasons, he shoves her away, or even worse cuts her down and isolates her from the outside world.  Whether he’ll admit it or not, she has to get out of it, so by hook or crook, she leaves.  A tragic situation from both ends, more so for the woman, as she now has the mental scars to deal with.

And what about women.

And on her side of this anger dance, she is not immune to anger issues herself.  Except society frowns upon women being angry, so she has to internalize it.  Society also frowns on women being in control, (less so now than 20 years ago) which makes it even worse on women who don’t find Mr. Right.  

She thought she was going to grow up, marry the man of her dreams, he’d be a big strong strapping guy, he would be able to fend for her and take care of her the rest of her life.  Such a happy ending!  Except that dream doesn’t take into account the other 150 million men in society who aren’t big strapping guys who have great self esteem.

“It’s so important to realize that every time you get upset, it drains your emotional energy. Losing your cool makes you tired. Getting angry a lot messes with your health.” — Joyce Meyer

In fact, there’s probably only 10 of those big strapping guys with good self esteem out there in the whole country.  And crtainly not in her neck of the woods.  Her anger stems from being given a dream in life that wasn’t going to happen, finding a man, having kids and living happily ever after.  Ironically, up until the middle of the 20th Century, not having a mate for women, meant not surviving.

So then the alternative is to go out and take care of herself, except women aren’t supposed to do that either.  No anger, and no taking care of yourself.  Mom even agrees with society, “Did you find a man yet?” “You’re going to die a spinster, I swear!”  “Why are you so angry, you’re angry all the time, you’ll never find a man like that!”  So she goes about her business, quietly taking care of herself, kinda staying in the darker corner of the house, not really worth much.  But the anger is there, underneath, boiling away her self esteem.

How do we get rid of this anger.  

Some of it is bottled up in there for both sexes.  It’s going to have to come out!  It NEEDS to come out.  It will not diffuse itself, it does need to come out.  As you are working on your self esteem, that anger could be holding you back.  Diffusion of anger is the secret.   And there are some creative ways to diffuse that anger that are beneficial.

  • Take a self defense class.  Use that anger in your practice.
  • Take up a Tae Bo class.  Use that anger in your workout.
  • Find a hammer, and a handful of nails, and drive every last one of those nails into a 2×4 piece of wood.  Careful with the fingers, the anger WILL boil over if you smash one.
  • Find a rubber hammer, find a concrete wall, take your anger out on the concrete wall.
  • Start writing a journal and write down every angry thought you have and write how you would take care of the problem if you lived in a perfect wold..
  • Take up jogging, the more anger you have the faster you can jog.

Use your anger to your benefit.

Stop trying to suppress it because suppressing it affects your self esteem.  When you let the anger out in a beneficial way, you give a boost to your self esteem.  And if you find the right avenue to let it out you can boost your self esteem in other ways.

You can learn how to defend yourself, always a great idea for women as well as men.  You can learn how to write, become physically fit, become an expert in all kinds of different. There are ways to let it out without being branded an angry person.  Look for other ways to let it out condstructively.  As you do, guess what, the self esteem goes up along with a decrease in the anger.

“It’s practically impossible to look at a penguin and be angry.”  –Joe Moore.

A little aside on writing a journal. 

Go to the store, get yourself a Bic pen and a spiral notebook.  Every night, write down what happened in your day.  Then write down all your thoughts about it.  This is called journaling.  If something made you angry write down why, if something made you happy, write that down and why.

Remember, no one else is going to read this so you can use foul language, you can reveal what you think of someone, you can misspell words all you want, then put it in a secure place that no one is going to find it, under your pillow, under your bed, between the sheets, don’t put it under there with all that money you have stuffed in the sheets.

“For every minute you remain angry, you give up 60 seconds of peace of mind.”– Ralph Waldo Emerson

In Conclusion.

Anger and low self esteem often go hand in hand.  Both men and women have anger issues, each one handles it in different ways.  The way a person handles the anger can be beneficial in raising self esteem as well as in channeling the anger into something positive… manifestation.  There are ways to take that anger and use it your advantage.

Start doing the journaling.  Join a gym or find other means in handling the anger.  Try a couple of the other anger releases outlined above and see which ones work for you.  And as always

And read this book.  Click on the book to order!

Leave us a comment.  Are you affected by anger issues and self esteem?

All images courtesy PEXEL.
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How I Stopped Anxiety and Panic Attacks

The “A” word.

DISCLAIMER:  I am not a health professional in any way. I wrote this from some research and personal experience. Read at your own risk…as if.

As an educator (which may already qualify me as crazy!) I’ve noticed a drastic increase in anxiety over the 15 years I’ve been in the classroom, not just in the students, but IN ME! If I take the time to break down exactly what causes it, well, one word stands out. STRESS!

For example, this year I have a female sixth grader who is in tears at least twice a week, and not just in my classroom.  She is a very smart, over-achiever, who puts so much stress on herself when completing class work, that she automatically ends in tears.

Immediately, I began to analyze how an 11-year-old sweetheart like her can have THAT much stress in her life.  Low self-confidence, unrealistic expectations, perfectionism, and that’s just to name a few.  It breaks my heart that a young lady can even HAVE that much stress in their life! I immediately go back to my sixth-grade year and think if I was stressed, or really down on myself, or anything even remotely similar to what my students could be feeling.  It’s tragic, really.

My anxiety first surfaced when I began experiencing a serious and quite scary physical symptom of stress called panic attacks, soon followed by Tachycardia. Whenever I experienced a stressful situation in my life, as soon as I felt it wasn’t relieved or solved, my heart rate would leap up to about 200 beats per minute in an instant, and stay there for anywhere from a minute, to 45 minutes!

According to the Mayo Clinic’s website, “A normal resting heart rate for adults ranges from 60 to 100 beats per minute.”   Basically, it feels like your heart is about to explode in your chest and it feels as though you just ran a marathon.  I tried to count it as exercise, just to find the levity in the situation, but that really did not work.

My panic attacks and tachycardia began the year I got divorced.  My heart was healthy enough, but apparently, it was “misfiring” and the final doctor I saw about it, more than 20 years later, called it an electrical problem. A comical way to explain a not-so-funny experience.

As I aged and went through what women look so forward to all their lives (not having to buy sanitary napkins ever again), my stress, apparently, increased to the point where eventually I had experienced more than four Emergency Room visits, so eventually they diagnosed and scheduled me for an ablation.

Over twenty years of suffering with this issue, it took a five hour heart surgery, and my ticker was never to experience that discomfort again. Yes, your body can seriously react to any type of stress. 

Next came the anxiety that CAN’T be controlled with surgery.  The feeling of panic that comes from merely standing OUTSIDE an Apple Store.  Knowing I have to enter to do my business, but unable to take the first step.  When I finally do, I’m accosted by immediate sensory overload, to which my body reacts in a manner easily described as total panic.

I employ deep breathing, I look down at the floor, hoping the cacophony will stop and I can just do what I need to, and quickly leave.  I catch myself holding my breath, only to barely be able to force my needed breath in and out. It’s real, and it’s more common than we realize.

It literally took me years to realize that I wasn’t crazy, and that as people were pointing their own behaviors out to me, I began to seriously consider that no, it wasn’t something I was making up. It wasn’t a feeling that really wasn’t there, and that I should try to ignore. Just like everything else in our lives, we need to pay extremely close attention to what our body, and mind, is telling us.

It took one major issue at Denver International Airport, to push me almost literally over the edge.  “He said” and I were taking a trip and had just checked in.  We were making our way to the security line as this feeling began to inundate me.  Here I go. My hands, and legs, were shaking, the room was closing in on me, and my senses were blaring out at me, “GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

By the time we completed our security check, I was nearly jumping out of my skin.  The answer, at the time, as my poor husband had no idea how to console me, was a nice Bloody Mary, or three, prior to getting on the plane.  No, I don’t recommend trying to control your anxiety with alcohol, but in that situation, YOU USE WHAT’S READILY AVAILABLE!

HOW DID WE GET SO STRESSED?

Perhaps someone should have realized the growing trend of people suffering from anxiety and the increase of prescriptions written for anxiety.  It would be very interesting to track who is taking meds, what they do for a living, and what age they are when they begin. Perhaps then we could map it all back to a specific time period that our lives became so damned busy or stressful.

When did our lives become more about getting things done quickly, rather than getting things done?  When did our lives change so significantly that no one has the time to sit and write out 50 Christmas cards anymore, or handwrite a thank you note, or ANY note for that matter?

Perhaps it was when suddenly more women went into the workforce and it became a juggling of home and work, leaving no time for ourselves. Maybe it was when kids became not only responsible for having a successful academic life, but an extracurricular life as well.

Perhaps it was when we stopped caring about being passionate about what we choose for a career and found ourselves forced into a high paying, boring, and unfulfilling job. Suddenly we are reading books about how to take care of ourselves, as though we haven’t already been raised, and additionally raised kids.  Mom stress is real.

What about Dad stress? Imagine carrying around the burden of having to be the bread winner. In my childhood, both parents worked. My sister and I spent a ton of time at Nanna’s and Pappy’s house, just up the street, and ALWAYS had dinner at the table, sometimes doing a lot of the preparation ourselves, until our parents got home.

That was back in the 50s! Dad’s stress is also very real, but I’ll let “He said” address that one. Gender roles have changed so very much. Is that fact accompanied by equal stress? I do believe so.

IS THERE HOPE FOR ME?

As I sit and peruse the school’s daily schedule, especially over the past few years, I notice one thing.  WE ARE WORKING OUR CHILDREN TO DEATH, or at least to the point of needing medication to handle this ridiculous thing we call formal education.  Seriously, students at the school I’m in, have a whopping total of 30 MINUTES for lunch.

They arrive at 8:30 a.m. and are here until 4:00 p.m. most days. Some of them even stay after for additional help.  Can you remember what your school day was like? Did you ever freak out about juggling your schedule for school and trying to figure out when to do your homework?

Oh, and when you got home, was it restaurant night every night, because both parents were working full time and no one had time to cook a REAL dinner?

As I began to look at this world we live in now, and after a few discussions with fellow educators, I came to realize it wasn’t all about Menopause, or getting older, or losing control of my thoughts and feelings. It was about this life, and not taking time for me and a plethora of other things.

I wasn’t in this alone, but I, alone, had to figure out how I was going to surpass this, especially since retirement was still MANY years away!  Suddenly, there was hope. There were tools, ideas, and yes, medication.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not pushing meds here at all. I’m saying that even after years of counseling, panic attacks, and tachycardia episodes, it was my ultimate relief when I found the med that helped.  Not only that, but I had to double it one year when my tools were failing me in every other way.

However, there are other ways to figure out what’s happening to you and ways in which you can alleviate those symptoms.  However, when you are in the midst of a panic attack, your entire body is caught up in the moment and it is sometimes nearly impossible to stop and STOP!

According to Web MD, there are many reasons we suffer from anxiety.  Some are actually physical reasons, based on different types of medications, such as side effects.  Mental conditions cause anxiety in many individuals, such as panic disorder and thyroid issues.

Phobias are also big stress causers. It appears as though mental conditions are at least a reasonable cause for anxiety, or, is the anxiety causing the mental issues? Hmmm…

 The one thing that was even more impactful, when it came to seeing the origination of anxiety, was the list of EXTERNAL FACTORS that can cause anxiety.

Notice a pattern?  A common thread? Wow. In this world of stress, stress, stress, what can I do? More importantly, what can ANYONE do?  The fact is, until you can identify the cause, you really are going to remain a captive to your emotions and feel that lack of self-control.

Me? I refuse to find myself standing outside the Apple Store for hours, just getting up the nerve to face my fear and walk in.  Now, don’t get me wrong, anxiety is NOT always a mind over matter situation. Trust me, I’ve tried.  However, there are things you can do to alleviate your anxiety that I have found extremely valuable time and time again, even being on meds!

SHE SAID’S MAGICAL IDEAS (NOT REALLY) FOR ANXIETY

The hardest part of anxiety is to actually STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AT THE TIME YOUR ANXIETY IS AT IT’S HIGHEST POINT, OR JUST BEGINNING, AND ABORT! ABORT!  Once again, I am NOT a medical professional, but I can tell you what works for me, and perhaps, it will help you, too!

First, identifying when your anxiety is beginning is the key. I begin with small things to actually keep that “beginning” from ever getting started.  So, each and every day I listen to a Christian Music Station during my morning and afternoon commute.

If you are not into that kind of thing, religion I mean, you may decide that jazz, or classical music fits the positive thought goal. Whatever works for YOU!  Just be sure it’s something soft, slow, and calming. Maybe listening to a motivational book (which I’ve also done) will help.

Keep your focus on driving slower (for me that would be THE speed limit), being a considerate driver, leaving enough space for another car to “fit in” if necessary, and a LOT more waves of appreciation for people, even if they didn’t INTENTIONALLY allow you to slide into their lane.

Second, be good to YOU! It’s terribly sad that we have to be TOLD to take care of ourselves, but from my personal experience, as a mom, we decided that all our time HAS to be for the children until… High school? College? Never? Start making massage appointments, start a new morning routine of beauty, or an evening bath with the bomb of your choice.

Additionally, be sure that you schedule a slice of time for silence.  Yes, I’m serious.  For me, that’s easy. Sometimes on my way to school, I simply turn off the “noise”.  Even if it’s GOOD noise.  And I, personally, like to talk to God.

Being faith based feels like I have Someone to fall back on, and it’s very peaceful for me.  I focus on what it will take to have me walk into school, each and every day, feeling blessed, as I very well am.

You can also begin journaling.  The great part about that is that you write it all down, focus on what you are writing (I prefer to write so my brain slows down to actually absorb my thoughts).

I actually, after journaling for months, decided that my entries were filled with questions and that wasn’t beneficial for me, so for every question I wrote, I was sure to at least GUESS an answer.  It was all about MY benefit, not that I was going to sell my journal for a million dollars, although boy, wouldn’t that be nice.  I still have them all, a full stack of steno notebooks, and they are even dated.

What you SHOULD NOT do is perseverate on things.  When you find yourself freaking out about an incident, and you can feel your anxiety rising, think of the blessings or positives in your life.  PUSH THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS OUT! Put out the trash, is what I call it.

I will never forget the wonderfully “new start” feeling I got when I took the entire box of a former “He said’s” belongings and put it into the trash.  I was so exhilarated by that one act that suddenly I realized holding on to memories of the past, that are painful, are not worth my time.

I am not talking about trashing everything from your past, but you KNOW which memories are going to always be there, and you don’t need that physical reminder to keep it.

Do NOT feel as though you are ever alone.  The biggest wake up call I received was when I had a personal conversation with a colleague, only to find out that not only she, but her partner, was on anti-anxiety meds.  Suddenly, what I was battling was not just a private matter.

HIPPA SCHMIPPA!  I felt in such great company, only to find out many others were also taking anxiety meds and were actually able to live a fulfilled life as a result.  The biggest battle I had to fight was molding my mind around the fact that I actually EXHAUSTED all other tools in my extensive toolbox, before I went on meds, and suddenly I didn’t feel like I was weak, or choosing the “easy way out”.

Be confident that you KNOW what will work for you, and when it’s not working anymore, MOVE ON.

Anxiety is a horribly crippling condition that affects so many more people than we can even imagine.  Ask yourself this…how long are you willing to wait to be happy?  Yes, exactly my point.  Blessings and love to you all!

Leave us a comment!  We love hearing from you!

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Procrastination…She Said

As I read He Said’s article on procrastination I suddenly stopped to look behind me to see if he was watching.  Once again, he was reading my mind and writing about exactly my life of procrastination. I wish he wouldn’t air my dirty laundry in public, but I guess it’s EVERYONE’S dirty laundry, isn’t it.  How can I stop procrastinating???

As I stopped to ponder, so many times, my feeling of procrastination, but moreso WHY I was having this feeling, it dawned on me. My biggest fear was failure. I was truly my own worst enemy and doing a better job at sabotaging my life than anyone else could.  Why is it we fear failure when failure is simply practice on our way to success?

I had to go back into some, what we call old movies, before I had the answer, and then, it became clear that my success was going to include overcoming more than I had anticipated.  I would not only have to dilute those old memories but rebuild them in order to push my way through everyone’s arch enemy, PROCRASTINATION.

I’ll be the one to pick out procrastination in an instant…when it’s someone else.  I am also quite astute at figuring out WHY they are practicing this terrible habit.  Ah, yes, it’s much easier to tell others how to fix something than to look inward at our faults.  So, I started my trek into the muddy waters of what was holding me back, almost every time I would attempt to break free.

First came the identification process.  Knowing you are putting something off should be very obvious, unless YOU are the one trying to put something off.  Then, it becomes smoke and mirrors.  “Oh, I’m not procrastinating, I just don’t have time.” FOOL ME ONCE.  “I am sure I’ll get to it tomorrow when I’m feeling better.” FOOL ME TWICE.

I have a small business, and thus far, I find myself unwilling to pick up the phone and call a client, when I know they have an interest.  After all, people who say “no, thank you” are the ones I wouldn’t dare call, but these people actually gave me their info TO call them.

I freeze.  

What am I afraid of? My options are, call, at possibly an inappropriate time, and either they order or they ask me to call back, OR…don’t call and, well, we’ll never know what could have been accomplished.  And yet, I select the latter option.  Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it.

As I read He Said’s article, I couldn’t tell whether to be upset, knowing he just outed me to a ton of people, or try to change because He Said obviously wrote about me and was, secretly, hoping I would recognize myself in the article and fess up, change, or get over it.

I actually re-read it a few times, hoping that I wouldn’t see myself in it at all, but obviously, I did.  And, rightfully so.  I am truly hoping that there is hope for me in my procrastinational lifestyle, and know it takes one bold step after another, however…there are things that I procrastinate doing because I truly hate them.  Cleaning is one.  Nope, not getting over that one!

Leave us a message on what you procrastinate about.  Better yet, join’s our conversation and tell us how you got over it!

 

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Wait for it… How To Get Over Procrastination

Putting Off Procrastination

I wait for it.  I put off anything I can until tomorrow.  If I do it today, it may slow me down or prevent me from doing something I absolutely need to do today.  So I am ready.  I am poised like a hungry tiger.  Something I NEED to do today should come along ANY MINUTE NOW!  I can DO this!  Give me that task!  It could be work!  It could be home related.  But I am primed for it.  I’m the MASTER of being primed for it.  I can hear myself roar and see myself jump at the task!  Ripping it to shreds, I’ll SHOW that urgency who is boss!

So, it’s ten o’clock, time for bed.  That was a good video game. Whew, nothing came along, I’m so good at this!  I’m going to be famous for being Johnny On The Spot!  Sure, I didn’t get the dishes done or that report I should have handed in, but I can do those things tomorrow if need be.  The truth is, I can do it and I am READY!

I got out of bed bright and early, I’m raring to go!  I can do the laundry later, I’ll just dig through this pile here and find something to wear.  I am ready to tackle the world!  I am wound tight like a Jaguar, ready to turn it on full speed!  I just have to wait for the time to shine!  First I’m going to sit down here and take a rest.

And I procrastinate.  Wondering why I NEVER get anything done.  The laundry, the dishes, the report.  I wonder why they don’t ever give me a good review, I’m always ready to jump on those little fires that come up!  Stomp that little flame out before it becomes a roaring inferno.  And so I wait.  No one else appreciates me.  They are the ones who hold me back.  It’s not my fault.  I’m ready with the fire extinguisher at the drop of a hat!

I guess I’m not in the right job or something.  It just doesn’t fit me.  I could go look for another one tomorrow.  I’ll do that, maybe put in an application and resume.  I should update my resume, I can do that tomorrow also, no hurry.   I could apply at some of these new companies, they need people who are Johnny On The Spot!

I need to get my car fixed first.  The brakes are squeaking and the oil needs changed.  I’ll do that next week.  First I’ll update my resume, then put in some applications.  Then get my car fixed.  Maybe I should go get groceries first, the cat has been out of food for a couple days.  Time to feed the little furr ball.  He only eats once a day.  That’s all I have time to feed him, what with all the fires I have to fight!

It’s been so busy lately, I don’t know how I have time to do anything!  I think I’ll take a quick break, get my thoughts together.  Make a plan to move forward.  But I need to call Mom.  I’ll call her first thing in the morning.

DRAW BIG LINE ACROSS YOUR DAY HERE.

Sound familiar?

We’ve all done it at some point. Procrastination is our enemy.  And it’s one of the hardest things to get over.  It comes from viewing failures as flat out “nos” intead of, “find another way to get it done.”  It comes from being depressed, having no hope of getting out of the hole we’re dug into up to our necks.  IT DOES take presence of mind to first recognize it, and secondly to know we have control over it.

Step Number One 

Figure out what’s causing it.  Are we afraid of failing again?  Are we afraid of SUCCEEDING?  Have we run out of mental energy trying to fight the good fight?  Are we depressed over not receiving something we thought we very much deserved, such as a promotion?  Or worse yet, that unconditional love we expected from our former mate?

Procrastination really comes down to being a symptom of something else going on.  It could very well be our subconscious telling us something is unresolved, giving us a feeling of hopelessness.   Whether that is a previous relationship, whther we are overwhelmed by today’s society, or even our work situation.

Maybe it’s just the fact that we really DON’T know where we’re going with our work/home/social life.  Once again, turning to that journal and exploring what it is that’s holding us back, will help tremendously.  Pick up that journal and have a good heart to heart talk with myself.

 

Step Number Two

 Realize what the consequences are for not overcoming it.  We get up in the morning, and there is the pile of clothes.  What is it doing for us to leave it there?  And why do people shun us when we approach them in the top we wore day before yesterday?

What risk are we running with our health if we don’t wash the dishes? How long is the cat going to survive if we, the human in charge of it’s survival, don’t feed him regularly?   How long are we going to be gainfully employed when we miss a report deadline.

Step Number Three

Make the commitment to work past it.  Pick up ten items and throw them in the washer.  That in itself will help with the procrastination.  We did something to move past it.  We took a small step.  Commit to doing a task when it becomes evident.  When we are through eating, rinse the dish and put it in the dishwasher.  And pat ourselves on the back, EVERY time we do something now instead of later.

Step Number Four

The subconscious mind likes praise.  This is what we give it when we accomplish something today that we could have put off until tomorrow.  Through the self talk we reward ourselves!  I did it now, I didn’t wait!  Good job!  I am in control of my destiny and I just proved it.  I overcame my own unwillingness to take care of business NOW.  I deserve a break.  No, just kidding!  Get up, and go put in another load of wash!

That’s all we’re going to get, this isn’t the 12 step Alcoholics Anonymous program.  

Now do ME a favor, do not procrastinate about this, and write down ONE thing you’ve been procrastinating about below in the comments.  And then say to yourself, I will over come this!  Let us know!

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I Can Do This, Power Through it

What is holding YOU back?

What is it that is bothering you? What’s holding you back from just going for it. The thought of being laughed at? The thought of failure? Maybe you’re actually afraid of accomplishing something you’ve never accomplished in your life?

Maybe it’s something you’ve identified with for so long, it’s a part of you. It owns you. It’s inherent in your being. The idea has soaked into your DNA, it’s been there so long. Sometimes it’s not the physical or the external.

Power through it. It’s right there in front of you and all you have to do is say,  “I can do this” and POWER THROUGH IT. Like the famous shoe company ad says, just do it. Get up off the couch, and go for it. Mom said you couldn’t do it. Prove her wrong. Your friends have a nickname for you that lets you know that’s who you are. Prove them wrong.

It’s just who I am.

Do you have that attitude that says, “this is just me, this is who I am?” I have great news for you. That is only an attitude. And it’s a bad attitude. You aren’t set in stone until the day you die. When someone says this is just who I am, you can tell they are stuck somewhere they don’t want to be, and ALL they have to do is power through it.

That “just” word. It diminishes the situation to something simple. No big deal, you have no control over it, so why try to change it. That means you’ve resigned yourself to the condition you are in. Broke, uneducated. unemployed, living in mom’s basement, depressed, unworthy, lazy. You have no control over your emotions, falling in love at the pop of a cork. Locked and loaded, ready to shoot your mouth off at the starting gun. Or hiding in the corner, lights out unable to move due to what your inner self is holding against you.

What is it that you have accepted?

Well, JUST power through it. Get a good hold of your bootstraps and pull. And then pull again. Start clawing. Get up off the couch. Do jumping jacks. Realize that YESTERDAY was the last day in your life that you are going to let ANYTHING or ANYONE hold you back. Take full control of what you really do have full control over. YOU!

Never ever ever let yourself take NO for an answer again. If one person will not give you what you need and deserve, find someone else who will. Go fill out an application. Then go fill out another one. Just power through it. Go out in the sunlight and take deep breaths. Soak in the fact that you are you, and NO ONE can take that away from you.

The ex got you down and in a corner? Realize they are your EX, they no longer own you, whether you have kids or a dog together, move on. If you are sitting there wanting them back, move on. They will only hold you back if YOU let them. Ignore them. Just power through it.

Depression got you down? Get up, get an exercise program going, Figure out which feelings you are turning inside of yourself to allow this depression. Depression may be clinically diagnosed, but more often than not, it’s a state of mind. Just power through it. Depression is emotions you haven’t let out.

Did you do something you feel bad about. Are you the victim of something you haven’t dealt with yet. Seriously, get some counseling if you need it. And power through it. Power through that counseling.

Just power through it.

For many years, Carol wanted to be a teacher. It took her a number of years to complete the required coursework, she just would NOT take no for an answer. She powered through getting a degree in education. Many people said you’ll never make it, you’re too old, the profession is filled. ONE person told her to never give up, do not listen to the naysayers. Fifteen years later, she has enjoyed fifteen years of being a teacher for middle school.

One of her fellow college students was too afraid to get off the education roller coaster to get out and get a position. She’s been passed over because she was TOO educated to enter the teaching field when she completed her schooling.

Steve powered through having no self-esteem after a number of failed relationships, without drugs. He joined a gym, starting forcing himself to go out and do things on his own, like going to the local coffee or bagel shop and eat breakfast in situ. He forced himself to join singles clubs and actually learned how to talk to singles of the opposite sex. He forced himself to go to college and accomplished get a degree in sciences. He powered through it.

Both of them just powered through it. No questions, no second guessing. Just power through it. Want to know how to get over not doing what you KNOW you need to do, or you’ve always WANTED to do? Just power through it.

The weightlifter knows he is going to get to the point he physically cannot lift any more weight. what does he do, he (or she) just powers through it. And he will get an extra 5 to10 pounds above his previous maximum. He just powered through it.

Conclusion

How many people do you know that just powered through it?

Abe Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, Oprah Winfrey, Iyanla Van Zant, Henry Ford, Thomas Edison, Ronald Reagan, Jennifer Hudson, Liam Neeson.

Everyone you know that ever did ANYTHING. Just power through it! It is literally that simple! You say, sure, maybe to you, but I have this, this, and this going on. So does everyone else on the planet. Every baby in the world fell and fell before they walked. There was no discussion, there was only trying until success.

Our own voices are our own worst enemies. Power through it!

Your assignment this week, is to write down in the comments below, what it is you want to accomplish, and what is holding you back! If you want to be brief, that’s fine. But the more you can open up, the better you’ll be able to power through it.

And then POWER THROUGH IT!

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I Am A Liar…

I feel so relieved that I said that OUT LOUD!

And, well, it’s true.

We are all liars, unfortunately. Who do we lie to? The biggest lies are crushed inward, from us, TO us, and do the most monumental damage.  So, STOP IT! 

the lies we tell ourselves, I lie to myself, self help lying

Easier said than done, I know, because I’m still working on it myself.  It’s a daily fight, with myself, to know who I am and be fine with it. Embracing my faults and loving every one of them.  Boy, is it exhausting!

Why we lie to ourselves…

Do you remember when you were a youngster and you heard so many positive things about yourself that, perhaps, you started to believe were being given to you under some pretense or another?

Can you remember a nice thing someone said to you when you were younger? How about something that hurt you terribly? I’m guessing you might be able to come up with both, but the second is much easier to remember.

Pain cuts deep, and as if that’s not bad enough, as a young human being, we began to believe the lies people said.  STOP IT!

Here we are, adults.

As adults we have become so used to hearing the negative, we stopped believing our own truth and replaced it with lies we owned.  We owned those words people said to us, we lived a lie and forgot who we were.

We began to think we aren’t good enough, or we’ll never be good enough, or perhaps you tell yourself how ugly you are, or how you will never find a spouse because “all the good ones are taken”.

For me, my lies to myself are that I talk too much, I am fat so people don’t like me, I’m not good enough to get a high paying job, I’ll never make money enough to retire, and the list goes on. Each and every one of those things is how I beat myself down each and every day.

Negative Ninny…

Each time I lie to myself I am creating a negative cloud that I can feel form around my head, then expand downward to my itty-bitty toes. That cloud engulfs me and allows that negativity to just fester into a huge festering wound consisting of negativity galore.

Now, ask yourself, first, am I guilty of this? Second, ask yourself why on earth you would want that gross negative cloud hanging on and around you each day. Honestly, think about it. Isn’t there already enough negativity in this world?

Do you really want to perpetuate it?  If you are one of those people who don’t mind feeling and acting like Eeyore each and every day, well, obviously, this article is not for you.  And yes, those people actually exist.

However, in YOUR case, I’m going to assume you began reading this article to NOT be a Negative Ninny and just need some insight into how your lies you tell yourself are increasing and replicating this nasty thing we call negativity.

Embrace your lies…

We all know our reality. If not, we are truly fooling ourselves.  I can list every single thing I could find fault with looking inward, but I don’t, because…WHY? I am fully aware of who I am and yet I still find the need to keep my thoughts positive on a daily basis.

I am who I am, and I absolutely refuse to allow anyone else to steal my personal power, let alone give it away! I embrace my lies. I can tell myself all the great things about me each and every day and not give way to the negative.

I fill myself up with accolades, positive affirmations, and all things YUMMY instead of negative.  No negativity, no cloud! It’s that easy! No matter how much you weigh, you will immediately feel the weight being lifted and your mind clearing.

Hold onto your personal power.

By embracing those lies you have believed from others, owned, and pulled inward to rehash each and every moment of every day, you will hold onto your precious personal power and feel the positivity emerge, breaking all bonds with anyone else’s attempt to possess your power.

Send it out to the Universe…

I know that everything isn’t roses and candy all the time and you may be thinking, well, isn’t it a lie to not lie to myself? Wait, what? This isn’t really about the lying, it’s more about doing what’s best for you, and believing, or worse yet, OWNING the lies you have been told by others, is not going to help you in life AT ALL.

Don’t just believe the positivity, send it out to the universe! Bleed it, sneeze it, love it, embrace it, and I can guarantee you will feel it lift you up in so many ways.

An idea.

I recently listened to Jen Sincero’s, You Are a Badass. I purchased it months ago, and “never had the time”.  Another lie I tell myself…CONSTANTLY.  Talk about a kick in the butt!

Her humor had me engaged right from the start, but the more I listened, the more I found myself shooting my fist into the air in some sort of HELL YES gesture, even though no one in my surroundings (usually in traffic as I listened and drove) knew why and I probably looked like a crazed individual.

WHO CARES!?

I was totally ready to go! I knew what I needed and sometimes that means a leap of faith. I felt the air around me lightening and my head becoming clearer. I learned that it was time to take that step and stop worrying about what people think. I will be a positive person.

I will sweat positivity out of every pore in my body, speak positivity with every word, and live positivity in all I do. I will lift up, but know my responsibility is to myself, not others, and by lifting myself, or others, up, I have become the best person I was meant to be.

It’s so ingrained…

Right after hearing (feeling) the words of Ms. Sincero, I latched on to yet another book.  Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are so You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be, by Rachel Hollis.  See the title? Sound familiar?

All those lies you are owning are doing nothing but, in Rachel’s words, “holding you back”. It’s really amazing how easily we own the negativity and have gotten so used to it that it becomes the natural thing to do.

Positivity has to be learned.

Positivity, now, has to be learned because we got so used to all the B.S. we were telling ourselves, that we now have to think and retrain our brains.  Sad isn’t it.  Why is it easier for you to believe something negative about yourself than something positive?  For example, someone you know tell you how beautiful you are.

What is your first response, inside your head and perhaps that comes out of your mouth? Mine would be something of the deflective or sarcastic nature like, “oh yeah, I took a shower this morning”, all the while thinking inside my head, they were so sweet to say that just to make me feel better.

Wait. Someone just mentioned how beautiful I look, and everything in my head is of a negative nature. Nah, not me. I’m not beautiful. What do they want? They hate my new haircut. They hate my new glasses. I must have my eyeliner on too thick. Do I have a nose hair poking out?  Why is it so complicated?

Moving on…

Today is the day. If you are like me and need help, then read the two books I listed above, and there are so very many more. I would love to be on this journey with you, as I continue to grow and learn, and begin to hit one lie after another and come out with even more positivity.

Always remember, when you put positivity out there, you will begin to see and feel it come back to you. As Willie Nelson said, “Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.” Putting good things out there, brings good back to you tenfold in many, and unexpected ways.

Do it for you…  Blessings, Love, and Positivity!

Leave us a comment, tell us how you feel!

Images courtesy Pixelbay
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Improve Low Self Esteem

Self Esteem

Some of us are born into environments that nurture self esteem, others come into the world in conditions that stifle self esteem.

Me included. My parents weren’t even aware of the concept, let alone possessing a clue of how to nurture it. My parents did the best they could, but they, also, weren’t born into the best of conditions.  They fed us, clothed us, and certainly loved us, even though there were conditions with that love.  We didn’t lack for much.  Except for self esteem.  How do improve low self esteem in an environment that stifles it?

Which of these two environments were you born into?

Self esteem is that all encompassing personality aspect that is SO important in everything we do. This little attitude toward ourselves is arguably the biggest obstacle in the human psyche. And it affects everyone. Good self-esteem propels you to great heights, colors your world with a full palette of the richness of life.

Low self-esteem leaves you lacking in every aspect of your life, from friendship and relationships to career choices to how you view every little speed bump we all encounter in life. Low self-esteem is colored by the grays and shadows of the corner of a dark alley, unable to feel like you are a part of the rainbow of a world we live in.

Just as importantly, are there other people you are concerned with over this issue?

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How do we improve low self-esteem?

How do we boost our self-esteem to the height of a self actualized adult. It’s certainly not measured in feet or pounds. Fortunately there are ways to determine what level your self-esteem is at! And then once you have an idea, you can start to work on your self-esteem.

According to the NetDoctor, there are 8 things that are signs of low self-esteem.

  1. You hate yourself
  2. You’re obsessed with being perfect
  3. You hate your body
  4. You think you bring nothing to the table
  5. You’re oversensitive
  6. You’re fearful and anxious
  7. You’re often angry
  8. You’re a people pleaser

Let’s walk down this list right quick.

You hate yourself.

Everything you do you look at critically as if you know you can’t do anything right so you’re going to look for the fault. You can never say anything right, you should have said it different. And you were born into the wrong body/life and you hate it. This manifests itself in not taking care of yourself, no drive to accomplish anything, no reason to change, and no respect for yourself.

You’re obsessed with being perfect.

Your makeup has to be perfect, your job has to be perfect, your car has to be perfect, your relationship has to be perfect, your mate has to be perfect. If you go out for a night on the town, it has to be a 10 or it’s a total failure. Your whole life is either a 10 or it’s not worth living. Most people who are arrogant or ultra-narcissistic actually have no self-esteem. They have to appear perfect… but at the expense of everyone around them.

You hate your body.

improve self esteem adults, improve low self esteem

It’s too skinny. It’s too fat. The legs are too short, the arms are too long, the nose is too long. The teeth aren’t even white. Everything about your body is lousy and out of 7 billion bodies on the planet, you can’t believe you got stuck in this one. That’s why you talk about it like it is it’s own entity, like it’s an “it”, not a “me” not really part of you.

You think you bring nothing to the table.

You have nothing to offer so why open your big mouth when you have a valid or different opinion. Why try to play softball/soccer/sing Karaoke if you don’t have anything to contribute. Why even try, there is nothing there worth revealing. This is the epitome of the wall flower.

You’re oversensitive.

If someone mentions anything about the “F” word, (fat, not the other “F” word, *laugh*) you think they are referring to you. If someone wants to have a normal discussion about anything, you take it as a personal attack. Your kids are throwing rocks at cars and all of a sudden you’re the worst parent in the world, the neighbors are accusing you of eating your young and you don’t feed them anything, let alone give them a roof over their heads. You drive down the road and anyone who passes you, in your mind, are yelling at you asking why you think you can drive, so you flip them off.

You’re fearful and anxious.

Every stranger is someone about to pull out a firearm and shoot you. Every candidate not on your side of the ballot ticket is going to steal your house, and livelihood. And as you go into the store you get this odd feeling that everyone is watching you, and that feels extremely uncomfortable. You just know anyone and everyone is out to get you, which causes constant anxiety.

improve self esteem adults, improve low self esteem

You’re often angry.

Everything and everyone makes you angry, the clothes need transferred to the dryer, that makes you angry. The teacher calls to tell you Bobby did a great job today, that makes you angry because they are mocking him. Everything just flat out rubs you the wrong way.

You’re a people pleaser.

You feel you need to open the door for everyone. And if you don’t open the door for them, you get angry at them because you just KNOW they are calling you fat under their breath. So you open the door for everyone, you thank everyone profusely for nothing, you do things for people you hate doing, just so they will like you. You couldn’t say no to someone if you tried. Which means you also won’t refuse advances from people who would NEVER make a good mate for you, then you feel terrible afterward.

How to work on your self-esteem.

If any one of these sound like you, or even several of them, then you need to work on the ole self-esteem. I know several of these did hit the familiarity button for me, especially earlier in my life when I didn’t have ANY self-esteem. And as I gained self-esteem some of them became just a phase in my life. The sequence I followed was 1, then 3, then 5 and 4, then 7. It was an interesting trip!

And now that you know the face of low self-esteem, let’s talk about how to overcome it. And don’t worry, you will never take the journey to self-esteem and end up someone who is disliked. People flock to individuals who have good self-esteem!

“The better self-esteem you have, the more people want to be a part of your life.” — Steve Meyer

improve self esteem adults, improve low self esteem

Work on getting rid of the self-hate.

You know we are all human, we all make mistakes, so why do you feel you aren’t allowed to make them. Mistakes are how we learn to improve. Mistakes are only opportunities to excel by doing it better the next time. Even if it takes 100 tries to get it right, you’re human, your’e allowed those 100 tries. Edison failed 1000 times before he perfected the light bulb.

Look in the mirror and say, “You’re OK, you are only human.” Realize you are much worse on yourself than anyone else is. Whatever it is that you don’t like, forgive yourself for it, change it if possible, and move on. When you hear yourself saying bad things in the back of your mind, change it right then and there, correct that negative self talk.

EVERY time you look in the mirror from now on, tell yourself you’re wonderful. You were born to be you and the challenges you face will make you unique in all the 7 billion other people on the planet.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”

― Sharon Salzberg

improve self esteem adults, improve low self esteem

Work on releasing the need for perfection.

Because no one is perfect, not even those skinny models in the bikinis. it’s OK to be average, because being average is still being unique. Your job is only a job, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Going out on the town doesn’t need to be a 10. Because if it isn’t, you missed a good time in all the other 3’s through 9’s. And if you find you’re having a 1 or 2, chalk it up as where not to go, and go home with the lesson learned!

“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.” ― Mark Twain

Take care of your your body, no more hating it.

It’s your body, if it isn’t exactly the way you want it, you have control to change it. One of the best self-esteem boosters is to start an exercise program. You will immediately start to feel better and as time goes on, you’ll look in the mirror and see a little less spare tire here, a little more muscle there and that will feel awesome!

You then realize you really are in control of your health as well as your destiny. If it’s a physical ailment, set up a doc’s appointment, don’t let it go any longer, get help with it now so you know you CAN change it to what you want. It’s your body, treat it like the temple it is. You reside in that temple, take care of it.

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”

― Iyanla Vanzant

Start bringing everything to the table.

You know a LOT of stuff. You know how to do your job, you know what having a good time is, you have interests, you have favorite foods. Even Macaroni and Cheese. You would not believe how many people, even in adulthood, deep down inside, love Macaroni and Cheese.

You are holding onto and hiding all that worth that makes you who you are.  All you have to do is start talking about it. They DESERVE to hear from you. Try it. Just blurt it out. “When I was a kid, my favorite meal was… [INSERT MAC N CHEESE HERE].” “When I grow up, I want to be a… [INSERT INSURMOUNTABLE AMBITION HERE].”  Do a little dreaming.  What WOULD your favorite job be?

improve self esteem adults, improve low self esteem

“How would your life be different if…You stopped allowing other people to dilute or poison your day with their words or opinions? Let today be the day…You stand strong in the truth of your beauty and journey through your day without attachment to the validation of others”

― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

Work on being less sensitive.

Whatever someone else says, it is their opinion and their view. Listen to what they are saying, is it really a personal affront to you? If it is, you can stand up for yourself if you feel it’s untrue, or take it as constructive criticism, and work on it. No need to internalize what anyone else is saying.

“Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity, that they create lies we believe“–Anon

Work on the fear and anxiety.

It’s okay to be cautious. It’s also okay to assess the situation and make a good sound decision to pursue that path or not. There is nothing wrong with being cautious. But when it turns into fear that keeps you from filling out that job application, or meeting that person who you are attracted to for coffee, then you need to do something about it.

Anxiety usually means you do not trust yourself to handle any given situation. Without looking incompetent. But you can, you are only human, and no matter how the situation turns out, you will survive it and learn from it. Your self-esteem will improve as you encounter situations that you can overcome.

Be in the mindset that adversity is your opportunity to learn and excel, and facing your fears will do just that.  Many years ago I decided that this mindset was crucial to my self esteem.  So I started rock climbing, that boosted my self esteem to monumental heights the first time I rappelled off a 75 ft cliff.  Read the book, “Feel The Fear, And Do It Anyway,” by Susan Jeffers.

“Stress is an ignorant state. It believes everything is an emergency.” — Natalie Goldberg

Work on the anger.

You make mistakes, other people make mistakes, it’s all part of being human. Sometimes you are mad at yourself because you aren’t sure of your ability to handle a situation and instead of recognizing that, you blame anyone and everyone so you walk around mad at them.

Not opening up about what angers you, just turns it around on your inner self, affecting your self-esteem.  It’s okay to work through that anger, let that person know what angers you, but do it in a civil manner, and try to work it out with that person.  Don’t lay blame on them, it’s your anger not theirs.

If it isn’t possible to work it out with the particular person, such as a boss or an ex, talk it out with your best friend, let the anger go, then thank your friend for listening!

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

― Ambrose Bierce

improve self esteem adults, improve low self esteem

Work on saying no to people and respecting your own needs.

You can say no. You can also make your own choice and pursue it. Take care of yourself and let them take care of themselves. People are going to love you for who you are, not what you do for them.  Read the book, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” By Manuel Smith. Great book!

“I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.”

― Frederick Douglass

Who do you know that exhibits one or more of these traits?

Chances are, they are stuck at the bottom of a pit of despair and can’t even admit they are down there, let alone know how to get out.  Certainly strike up a conversation about the subject, let them know you’ve been having trouble and invite them to follow along with your journey of discovery.  Maybe just maybe, they will take your lead and help themselves.

Maybe helping them will help your own SELF ESTEEM!

improve self esteem adults, improve low self esteem

And hang in there.

Self esteem is a common problem, but you don’t HAVE to live with it.

The first big step is being willing to accept that you have a problem with it. And one of the signature aspects of low self-esteem is the fact that you cannot take criticism, so you cannot admit you need help. It’s a self actualizing prophecy.

Leave us a comment, how did you overcome it? Which of the 8 symptoms do you have now?

And stay tuned, we’ll be covering each and every one of these facets of low self esteem!

And here is a starter book for you from Amazon!  Just click on the book and buy from Amazon.

Images courtesy Pexel
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Talking to Yourself is Normal

Let’s talk about self talk.

Everyone has a certain level of self talk. Some people do not even realize they have any level of self talk, but it is there. Other people, including my grandmother, talk to, or have talked to, themselves out loud all day long. I’m not quite that bad (or good), but my penchant for self talk obviously came from her, may she rest in peace.

You are your own best friend.

Look at it this way. You are your own best friend and your own worst enemy. You might as well take advantage of that fact for the better. Talk to yourself. Tell yourself you are wonderful. Tell yourself you really are human and can make mistakes just like every other human on this planet.  Statistics tell us, people who talk to themselves are happier, more normal people.

And strike up a running conversation with yourself, letting you know you chose the right cup of coffee this morning. Let yourself know it’s alright that you yelled at your spouse last night but tonight you can apologize and try to find common ground. Let your best friend walk you through the day, play by play, they will be with you.

Self judgement is difficult.

As you admit to yourself that this situation or that situation didn’t turn out to the best, next time you can do better. We can all look at our friends and family and tell what they are doing wrong or could do better, it comes from us being social animals. But we can’t very well turn that crystal clear judgment to ourselves without seeming narcissistic, or worse, over critical. That particular attitude came from our mothers.

Except we are past the child stage of life, we need to pick up better tools for living an adult life. Being too critical of oneself isn’t the act of an adult, it’s the act of a child. So we need to learn how to speak with ourselves and to do it beneficially.

We are human, we make mistakes.

We start out by giving ourselves a pat on the back for getting up and trying. If you don’t get off the couch, you’ll never get it done, whatever it is. Next we need to realize if you aren’t making a mistake here and there then you aren’t doing anything. You aren’t out of your comfort zone.

Being our own best friend means getting out of your comfort zone with a pal. You can walk and talk yourself right into a better life. If you’re walking through life and not talking to yourself, how do you expect to arrive at your destination.

Tony Robbins once related the story of an airplane going from one destination to the next. The pilot and crew has to constantly adjust the plane to keep it on track, and keep the plane at the proper altitude and speed. The crew can’t call the tower every few seconds to see if the plane is on the right course, the crew has to do that themselves.

You are the pilot of your life, and self talk acts like your crew. How do you become good at self talk? One, you have to start talking. Silently, or out loud, whatever feels better. Tell yourself right now you are going to start treating yourself better. And then tell yourself that again. the trick is to keep at it.

The actual act of talking to yourself is the first step. And keep it going. Every chance you get. Second, pick up a good book on self talk. HUH? You mean I really was talking about something real? So real there are BOOKS about it? Yes, so real there are books about it.

What to say.

One of the best is “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself.” by Shad Helmstetter. He’s a PHD. He knows what he’s talking about, and apparently he’s talked to himself a lot because he is very successful in his life and with his book.  Click on the book to buy it.

He’s so successful, he’s sold 20 books in over 65 different countries. This guy knows what he’s talking about. This is without a doubt the top book on the subject. It has also been recently updated for the 21st Century, so check it out.

Another good one is “Me, Myself, and Lies: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself” By Jennifer Rothschild.  Click on the book to buy it.

Jennifer does a good job of highlighting the lies we tell ourselves to justify our bad behaviors, instead of correcting them. And she has good ideas on what to say instead.

She points out an important issue with self talk, and that is of being HONEST with ourselves. This is a tough issue for a lot of people as we were taught at a young age that if we tell the truth of what we’ve done, we get punished. If we tell ourselves the truth, we have to DEAL with the issue, and learn from it, instead of blaming it on something or someone else.

Lastly is a book on my next-to-read list. “Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist: Five Mindful Practices to Silence Negative Self-Talk,” is written by Cynthia Kane. Why do I look forward to reading this book?  Click on the book to buy it.

Because she talks of those mental tapes playing in our heads. And those old movies play over and over in peoples minds. Kane may well have a method of overcoming those old movies. I, for one, have a whole LIBRARY of old movies playing in my head that my spouse and I work to get rid of constantly.

Conclusion.

Correcting the self talk has been one of the most important and beneficial tasks I’ve tackled in my life.   Follow me with your own journey through the process. Take time to read one of these books and send me a comment on what it did for you, did you like the book, did you feel it was a worth your time? The best of success to you!

Leave us a comment, let us know you’ve been here and tell us YOUR thoughts!

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How To Be Positive In Life

Staying positive in life can mean the difference between handling the ups and down of life and allowing the Ups to be consumed by the Downs. So how does one stay positive? First you must surround yourself with people who are also positive, because positivity isn’t an attitude, it’s a way of life.

Hanging around negative people, more effectively than hanging around positive people, influences your attitude negatively. Remember the old retail saying, “A happy customer will tell one person, an unhappy customer will tell 10.” There is a reason for that, and the fact that you can remember every negative situation in your life, but very few positive situations.

The reason is survival.

If you see your fellow mouse BFF get eaten, you’ll remember to stay away from where or what ate her for the rest of your life. Whereas food and fun will be found in many many places, and that memory will only last until the food and the fun is gone from that place. Being on the beach, enjoying life ten years ago, is hard to remember without a picture of the beach. But stepping on the dead swollen jellyfish that scared you to Kingdom Come fifteen years ago on a totally different beach is still foremost on your mind. One cannot just decide to be positive, one must live the positivity day to day, so when a Down comes knocking on your door, you have the tools to work through it.

Tools.

What ARE tools? Tools are the perspectives we have on how we should conduct ourselves in any given situation. For instance, if we have the proper tools concerning honesty we’ll more likely be naturally honest in situations where honesty or dishonesty could be exercised.

If we have the correct tools on how to handle violent situations, we’ll be more likely not to join in the violence when offered. Not only can these tools prevent us from engaging in negative behavior, but can go so far as to be able to help other people through the situation.

These tools are numerous and tell us how to conduct our day to day lives, from how to be in relationships to how to love another person. All three of the long term relationships you’ve had needed more and better tools. And as we go through life we acquire some of those tools. How do you get the rest of the tools you need, even though you have NO idea what those tools are?

Read positive books.

There are some amazing authors out there like Dr. Wayne Dyer, and Jack Canfield who write some great books on staying positive as well as turning a negative life around. The premise that you can attract positivity to your life really is true, and only the negative people will tell you it isn’t. They haven’t learned what you are learning.

As you place yourself in the company of your positive friends, not only do you acquire the attitude of “I can do this” but opportunities to prove that pops up just because THEY can see those opportunities in front of you. Sooner or later, you acquire their ability to see the opportunity yourself! Positivity does feed on itself but you have to consciously nurture it until it becomes natural. Negativity is the default. If you don’t make the conscious effort, negativity will reside fat, dumb and happy wherever it isn’t challenged.

Here you are going to be a positive person and you tell all your friends. The positive ones all say good for you. The negative ones squeal to high heaven. Why? Because they don’t want to be left behind, they are in their little negative corner of the world and they not only do not want to get out of it, but they want YOU to stay there with them. “That staying positive crap doesn’t work, because as soon as you try to be positive, something bad happens.” What they don’t tell you is, anything that happens, can be turned into one of the most positive situations imaginable just by looking for the opportunity.

Easier said than done, you say. Well, breast cancer for a good friend prompted her to start a non-profit foundation for breast cancer victims. That in turn has already helped dozens of fellow survivors and family members alike to recognize they CAN make a difference within their community. And the foundation, called SuddenlyPiNK.ORG is still in its infancy.

To get your journey started to the positive side of life, here are seven highly recommended books to start the process, something to start the Ferris wheel of a happier life to start turning. These are in no particular order, some are older books but still relevant, others are more recent additions. And of course if you click on the titles, you’ll be taken over to where you can read more about them and purchase them.

  1. Your Erroneous Zones. By Wayne Dyer
  2. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. By Manuel J. Smith
  3. Women Who Think Too Much. By Susan Nolen-Hoeksema
  4. You Are A Badass. By Jen Sincero
  5. Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, By Richard Carlson, PH.D.
  6. The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People. By Stephen Covey.
  7. The Success Principles. By Jack Canfield

The following list of books is more specifically about relationships, although you can love your life without a mate, as well as have a wonderful life with a mate.

  1. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. By, John Gray, PH.D.
  2. Why Men Love Bitches. By Sherry Argov
  3. Hold Me Tight. By Dr. Sue Johnson
  4. Girl, Wash Your Face. By Rachel Hollis

Now, how are you going to read those books?  Try the Kindle App for 30 days FREE.

The Kindle app offers you:

* The ability to read Kindle books with no Kindle device required, so you can take advantage of Amazon’s great prices and selection.

* Access to any book in the Kindle library, so you can start reading or keep reading whenever you have free time.

* Amazon’s Whispersync technology which synchronizes furthest page read, bookmarks, notes, and highlights across all your devices. Great Kindle features like dictionaries and Wikipedia that help you get more from your reading.

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Stay tuned, more to come!!!

Images courtesy Pexel.